For years, I carried the weight of a dream that was never fully realized. Not because I lacked talent, drive, or love for the game, but because I let toxic male coaches take it away from me. I let them chip away at my confidence, make me question my worth, and convince me that their abuse was just “tough coaching.” I mourn the athlete I could have been because I allowed them to rewrite my story. But now, as a coach, I refuse to let it happen to the next generation.

I’ve seen the way mediocre men hide behind competition as an excuse for their own insecurities. They call it “toughening you up,” but what they really mean is breaking you down. They confuse criticism with cruelty, leadership with control, and competition with emotional and mental abuse.

I remember the way they belittled, humiliated, and dismissed me—how they made me feel like I was never good enough, no matter how hard I worked. How they set impossible standards, only to move the goalposts when I got close. And worst of all, how they convinced me that the problem wasn’t them—it was me.

And so, I started to believe them. I started to question whether I even deserved to be on the field. I started to shrink myself, to apologize for taking up space, to doubt my own abilities. Until eventually, I walked away—not because I wanted to, but because I thought I had no other choice.

To My Younger Self: It Was Never Your Fault

If I could go back, I would tell my younger self that she wasn’t weak—she was surviving. That she didn’t quit—she was forced out by people who were threatened by her strength. That her worth was never defined by men who saw her as expendable.

I would tell her that she wasn’t alone. That so many girls before her and after her have been made to feel like they don’t belong in sports, or in leadership, or in any male-dominated space. But they do. We do. And we always have.

To My Athletes: You Belong Here

Now, as a coach, I refuse to let my players carry the same grief I did. I will never be the reason a girl questions her worth. I will never let a player think that mistreatment is a sign of strength or that she has to endure abuse to prove her toughness.

To my current and future athletes: You belong here. On the field, in the office, at the table—wherever you dream of being, that space is yours to take. Never let a mediocre man tell you otherwise. Never let someone who fears your power convince you that you don’t have it.

And if someone ever tries to make you feel small, remember this: You are not the problem. They are. Keep showing up. Keep fighting. And never, ever let anyone take your love for the game—or your belief in yourself—away from you.

This microblog post was a featured post in #slowchathealth’s #microblogmonth event. You can search for all of the featured posts here. Please do follow each of the outstanding contributors on social media (including Casey Langendorfer, the author of this post) and consider writing a microblog post of your own to be shared with the global audience of slowchathealth.com

Pair this blog post with the following:

Being an (Female) Athlete by Emily Zien

Call to Action: Women’s Sports by Jessica Matheson

The Ties That Bind – the Influence of Our Coaches by Brenda Carbery-Tang

Up To Speed by Christine Yu (Fantastic book!)

Protect The Joy by Amanda Stanec (Awesome Youth Sports book!)

Have you read the latest Book of the Month recommendation?